my mother didn 't protect me from abuse
732 views, 45 likes, 11 loves, 7 comments, 73 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from : 22 2023 . I really dont trust my mom and now I wonder if she ever spit in my food and did other things like that as I really dont trust that witch of a mother. My father is a control freak and a bully, but she considers him strong. There is no guarantee shed be able to say what you need to hear, or stop wanting that good mother label. I really appreciate your offer and understanding words. You left the room and didnt come back. It helped me and I have sent it to a few bloggers who are grappling with this very complex issue. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and If you award her that good mother label what happens to your experience? Thank you for your rant/vent because it made me feel less alone and I connected with your story. What To Write To My Mother Who Didnt Protect Me From Abuse? Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full. Whether it's intentional or subconscious, "a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered," he says. What Happens If You Don T Sterilize Baby Bottles. But you didnt. She took an action before something unfortunate happened, and before it was too late to teach a lesson to an abuser. She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full of ourselves, his criticisms a way of motivating us, his authoritarian style the mark of a man who knows his mind. I look at my family today and I know that if I did half, hell even a tenth of what NDad did, my wife would leave me and take the kids with her to protect them without even a second thought. "I wish I had known the importance of educating my children about sexual abuse," the young mom shared in tears. Significant others and friends are all welcome. Then you can explore your feelings for your father and mother so that you can cultivate the compassion youll need to forgive them. Feels like youve taken big steps forward to saying enough is enough! In my case, it is my mother. 8.4K views, 150 likes, 7 loves, 7 comments, 254 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from BBM - Iloilo Supporters: If she could acknowledge this has been her legacy and she regrets the decisions that led to it, then I hope you could both be winners. I was also waiting to be punished by God! My mother failed to protect me from sexual abuse as a child 'When you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace.' Photograph: Alamy After. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. I wanted you to make me feel better. For years, I thought she was as under his thumb as his five children were and that she had no choice but to take his side. I would love for you to listen to Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes warming the stone child which is about women like us. There is no mother-and-daughter friendship. Confused about acronyms or terminology? When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. Even so, in recent years Mum has made a habit of raising the issue of my assaults unprompted, to explain that she wasnt a bad parent. --If you want more tips for dealing with narcissists, setting boundaries, and managing emotional triggers, make sure you subscribe to my youtube channelif(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1','ezslot_13',102,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1-0');report this ad. This is my experience but with my Nmom and step-dad. Narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on your life. I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. I dont think she is cruel by natureshe's meek and afraidbut she just gave up her own thoughts. She had always seen her father as the villain of the piece, but she began to see that what she considered her mothers passivity was much more than that. #abuse #mommyissues #healing #trauma #breakthecycle #abuser #familyabuse #mentalhealth #mentalglowup #oldestchild #traumadumping #growth #homeless #change #innerchildhealing #fyp #abuseawareness #daddyissues #growth". Cookie Notice by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. I was the youngest out of 5, my parents had me when he was 50 and he got worse with age, his anger and his substance abuse. I love her, but I resent her for it. I dont want you my life or space ever again. There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a, narcissistic mother to abuse her children. It is an audiobook and I can send it to you via email if you are interested. 192.99.196.125 I dont know what to do. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. She would do anything to keep him happy and calm but he was still always anxiety fueled and angry. Theres nothing passive about standing by and watching your husband abuse your children. . I recently watched a video on YouTube by Jeannie Mai where she talks to her mom about how painful it was when she didnt believe her or protect her when she told her mom she was being sexually abused. . There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a narcissistic mother to abuse her children even when they realize the damage she is doing. And the worst part is that it took me months and months to even accept that I was abused. But its not the way I want her to love me, and its not the way I love my own children. Scribbles about social issues and personal life. My birth was the cause of all hardship and strife. Ah, the joys of being raised by narcissists. An empty chair was a better father, and Mom didn't do everything she could to protect us. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. Please review our rules before interacting again. I spent my entire childhood imagining how my mom feels and trying to pick up the pieces of her life for her. You have never stood up for me. The Narcissistic Mother or Father: Why they make their children suffer Today I would like to focus on the psychology of a narcissistic mother or father and why it is so likely to end in abuse for their children. She wants to keep you under her thumb as long as she possibly can. You are both cowards. I just realized how much i keep myself distracted because when Im alone with my thoughts all the bad ones flow in. 291K views, 184 likes, 19 loves, 139 comments, 48 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Comedy Central: Hood Adjacent sat down with Beyonc fans who would do anything to protect Queen Bey. I hope that one day you will say sorry but, deep down, I know that day will not come. I want you to explain why you failed to protect me, but I know that you are not brave enough. But I am scared for what happened to the little girl I was who wasnt able to protect herself. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. Hopefully it doesn't get in the way of everything good you have with her. I know it's unfair, which is why I want to redirect that. Was anyone there for her? I will not lose my sense of self like you have. 10 Tips On How To Cut Off A Narcissistic Father, 13 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Affect Their Daughters, 8 Tactics To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Father. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. - Werner Herzog. 6. Wow you're seriously typing all this in this sub? Instead she went to Florida and kept saying how happy she was! What is in your power to change, you have got in motion. A narcissistic parent is just about the worst scenario for a child. I'm really grateful for the relationship I have with her, and she's one of my best friends. if you still have contact with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them. I cannot see any choice other than to cut communication with Mum to manage the distress her behaviour causes and I am in the process of seeking counselling. But the parent as a bystander or one who acknowledges but palliates creates a deep mistrust of others and even distrust of love in the child which can last long into adulthood, like Becca, now 43, wrote me: My mother is my fathers staunchest defender. My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up I will not lose my sense of self like you have. Your feelings are natural under these sad circumstances, OP. Yes, I had an emotionally challenging childhood. She didn't get a chance to retire or rest. I find it unimaginable, as a parent myself, that nothing was done about it. Sorry for this, I just needed to get it off my chest. even when they realize the damage she is doing. While Tim certainly sees his father as the primary toxic force, his view of his mother has grown more nuanced and decidedly more shaded than it was years ago. I know I said this, but I truly, honestly relate to your description of your mother. No slurs or victim-blaming. I was in the same situation. Thats the truth.. These blog posts will help you understand narcissism better and give you tips for dealing with the narcissists in your life. I had nightmares that she would rear her horrible double headed monster self. Hopefully your holiday will be filled with beauty. Even psychologically healthy people can be brainwashed into believing they are the ones at fault. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. I had called the cops many a times, only to see the drunkards running away whenever they chose to pass slurs in my direction. She never let an opportunity go by to put me down or, alternatively, ignore me. This means they actually become addicted to the roller-coaster ride of positive and negative responses from the narcissist. Staying Single: What Most People Do If They Divorce After 50. I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. Im Patricia, and my mother is a narcissist, so I know what youre going through. Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. He would have been sent to prison. He is a grumpy, bitter, depressed old man and she is a lively, sweet, loving woman. She needed someone to parent, nurture and love her unconditionally first because she never got that. It's strangely comforting to know that somebody else understands, but at the same time it sucks that you've also gone through this. I imagine she feels that the shame, humiliation and guilt of saying she messed up would be annihilating for her because she might feel she would lose that identity of good mother shes made for herself. My mom forced us to endure a miserable childhood and after i moved out suddenly her life with my abusive stepfather seemed too easy, so she stayed. Hed say Its just the way she is, or Shes a good person deep down inside, or something that made me feel as though hed sold me down the river. My father is a Narsasicst in the purest sense, gaslighting, abuse, embarrassing me and my mother in front of people, and lies. For more information, please see our I guess I always thought that if things really weren't right, she would do something about it. Fuck us kids, right? I am sorry that I caused so much pain. And then how it would be for you if she never again mentioned it, unless you brought up the subject? How Do You Know If Your Mother Is Emotionally Abusive? I saw a man who wasn't there . Its really about his own psychological damage. We do not defend abusers here. She has a new boyfriend who treats her well and we get to live with them. I wish I had an answer for you. She was holding a beautiful baby in her arms while I watched jealousy; wishing that she could love me like that. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_2',106,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2-0'); Its also possible that if your father ever threatened to leave her, she would have threatened to take the children away from him and drain all of his finances. I love you but you didnt deserve to have me! Laughing at myself, and learning to love (live with) it! I learned to tackle them on my own the hard way, much later into my teens. 350 views, 9 likes, 7 loves, 2 comments, 7 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from New Hope Worship Center Lemmon: New Hope Worship Center New Hope Worship Center The Fora platform includes forum software by XenForo. Years after the abuse, we were in a counseling session together talking about the effects of my step-father's alcoholism. Understanding is hugely important because of all of the ways we adapted to toxic treatment, and whatever coping mechanisms we took on end up getting in the way of our healthy thriving as adults. You put everyone and everything else before me. Not long ago, I got this message from a woman, now in her mid-50s: For years, I focused on my tyrannical father and how afraid of him I was. The narcissists flying monkeys are often family members, sometimes even children, who do the same thing. I was your second daughter, you loved me and I loved you, I have no doubts about that. Maybe showing her your email to me and even the reply might help her choose between insisting she was a good mother or owning what the effect of her decisions have had on you. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Individuals must not push themselves or be pushed to do the thing they fear prematurely. She doesnt really want you to become an independent adult. If youre looking for more info about this topic, this blog is for you! he wasn't there again today . I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. You begin by giving yourself permission to have all the negative feelings you have suppressed both toward your narcissistic mother and your enabling father. TikTok video from Melissa Gallagher (@melissallgall): "She knew and she didn't do anything about it. I dont accept that minimal love and I dont want your gifts. How are Flying Monkeys Different from Enablers? Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. This is perfectly normal. Its not at all uncommon for children of narcissists to be trauma-bonded. . Enabling fathers often become enablers as a result of their codependency caused by a dysfunctional family dynamic in their own childhood. Imagine the shame on the family. If she is 25 , why does she live at your parent's home? To stand there and WATCH as your babies are being beratted, beaten and yelled at and not do anything seems like a pretty poor mother. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. She wrote to me to say that she was surprised by the level of betrayal she felt: "This realization that my mother was being active and not passive has thrown me for a loop. 4 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. Set and enforce strong boundaries if you still have contact with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them. I acknowledge the ache of being unmothered but I am learning to grow my own internal mother. She lives far away and seldom calls me, and when she does, she talks about superficial things. just how you can recover and live a happy life. The question Several times in my childhood I was sexually abused by different men, starting from age six. He was a child himself. A hug that says everything will be all right, you have done nothing wrong. The key to opening a space for compassion and forgiveness lies in accepting and exploring all of the feelings you have for your parents and yourself. And that's ok. NDad was a piece of excrement. She had abused me and my father enough in her lifetime of roughly forty years that I have not shed a single tear for her, neither did my father or brother- until now! Many children of narcissistic parents cant understand why the. That has caused them to buy into your narcissistic mothers delusions, and as a result, they have decided to disregard their own needs and yours to protect her. I think about this a lot. My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up. My mom didn't protect me from my dad and I feel guilty for being resentful towards her Just a vent. Mom worked her ass off for us because he wouldn't. I remember it clearly as bath time; feeling dirty, confused and guilty. Our household was run by emotionally crippled children. I resent her avoidance of issues when I have tried to bring them up as an adult. It was always about getting her needs met. I saw her for who she was and that scared her and she hated me for that, I didnt cater for needs and please her like my other siblings did. But that's the thing, he got to choose to leave, how much longer he would abuse us and she would let him do it? Dont try to minimize the trauma of a child. She loved to see me in pain and would laugh and smile. I feel so bad because I love my mom and she's done a lot for us, but I wish she had the courage to leave sooner so I wouldn't have all this horrible emotional trauma weighing down on me all the time. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. Its also common for enablers to convince themselves that they are the only people who can understand their narcissistic partner and fulfill their needs and desires. They will do so even at the expense of their own children. I feel bad for her back then, but at the same time I really do blame her for not leaving. Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. Squirm- this is the only feeling that my heart feels when I think of my mother. You cant trust people with no empathy because they have no conscience. Just realized how much I keep myself distracted because when Im alone with my thoughts all the feelings. 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